(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!