“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
you gotta be faster