Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
You Might Also Like
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Solving a traffic jam
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.