Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.