ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses