Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.