[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?