My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
No laws when master is gone
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
🍞🦆
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!