I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.