Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel