Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol