You Might Also Like
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.