[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Owl Sanctuary
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”