Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.