i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!