1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.