If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
You Might Also Like
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.