The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Oh thanks BBC.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.