I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
This kid is a star!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Investing in beetcoin
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking