You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.