I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
three things we don’t talk about
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work