Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures