a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I love wikipedia
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them