wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.