peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Guy who likes music
Guantanamo Bae
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.