[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Poetry is my passion
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie