Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
We decided to have money instead of children.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd