Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort