NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back