For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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me
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
TRAIN’S HERE
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.