[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made