Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Ugh but profoundly
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
All excellent questions
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable