Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.