My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.