Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”