Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
That’s fair
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.