Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
So, can we agree on 4 or
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.