If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
You Might Also Like
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Happy Thanksgiving
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
That’s easy for you to say
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.