“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
You Might Also Like
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams