LMAO.
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”