absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.