has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.