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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I finally found a reason to live again.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book