[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus