[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
You Might Also Like
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.