My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.