ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
lmao
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t