Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.