If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I love wikipedia
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*