Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
taking June’s advice to heart
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts